best DAD ever... x2

NOTE: This is not your average blog post. LONG, personal and only one picture! It's more like a bunch of mini journal entries to document a season of our life.

Monday, September 5th: I had been feeling a little dizzy and nauseous for the last couple of days and it was about that time of the month so on my way home from work I picked up a pregnancy test. I just felt weird and we had just decided to start to trying for a second baby so it seemed to be a possibility. It took us almost a year to get pregnant with Logan so I didn't think this was the reason for my wooziness but I wanted to rule it out for sure. Boy was I surprised when the little stick said "Pregnant". Shocked! It was the end of New Student Orientation at CBU so Chris was at a baseball game with 500+ of his newest friends. I was supposed to be at the apartment of some girls I mentor for dinner in an hour and half. I didn't even know what to do. I had no idea how I was going to tell Chris since I didn't anticipate this happening anytime soon! So Logan and I rushed to Starbucks, bought a coffee mug and raced home. We wrote on it like you see above, dated it on the bottom, and baked it in the oven so that the ink would set. I rushed off to my dinner plans and tried to act as normal as possible. When Chris got home that night I gave him the gift and told him it was just a little something to celebrate that he made it through another year of orientation. When he pulled out the mug he just saw the "best DAD ever" side. It seemed for a second like a random gift so he politely said "WOW thanks!" but when he went to set it down on his nightstand he noticed that it said something on the other side... when he turned it around and saw "x2" his confusion quickly turned to shock and excitement. We prayed together and thanked the Lord for blessing us with another child and for allowing it to happen so quickly this time. We prayed that even in the first precious moments of knowing there was a baby being knit together inside me that we would honor the Lord in the raising of this sweet little one. That HE would be glorified in this child's life.

In the weeks to come the I continued to feel tired, dizzy, nauseous, and completely thrilled that a baby would be making us a family of four sometime around May 12, 2012.

Wednesday, October 5th: I was eight and half weeks pregnant and we had our first doctor's appointment. There is something sweet about an ultrasound and getting to peek in on a growing baby. While at 8 weeks a baby looks more like a bean than a baby, I couldn't be happier that this was the day that we were going to get to see our little bean! Before Dr Pakk did the ultrasound he said that he warns all of his patients that sometimes it is just a little bit too early to see the baby so if that happens today not to worry we would reschedule for a week or two later and we would be able to see the baby by then. I remember impatiently thinking "yeah yeah let's get on with it... I've been waiting for a month already!" It's ultrasound sound time... Dr Pakk looked around for a bit and then told us that we were definitely pregnant but we can't yet see the baby. He said everything was measuring at about 6 weeks but not to worry because everything looks very healthy for a 6 week pregnancy. We scheduled another appointment for 2 weeks and he said to be cautious about any cramping or spotting but to remember that as of now everything looks healthy. This was the first of many hard appointments for me. I was emotional. I was disappointed. I was confused. I was just having a hard getting my head around the 2.5 week discrepancy. It didn't make sense to me. I had to decide to choose that God was sovereign even when things don't make sense to us.
I remember thinking that it was going to be a LONG two weeks.

Saturday, October 8th: We went to Oak Glen with some friends to celebrate Harvest season and pick apples. On the way home Chris, Logan and I went to run a few errands. We had dinner at Rainforest Cafe and were just enjoying our day. While we were out... I started spotting. We went home and called the advice nurse. She said that the spotting could have been caused by the ultrasound I had 3 days earlier. Since the spotting was light and I wasn't having any cramping she said I could wait to be seen by Dr Pakk on Tuesday. If it was a miscarriage there is nothing they could do to stop it so there was no reason to rush in and pay $50 for the emergency room visit. It was hard to fall asleep that night. To say I was anxious is an understatement. I even woke Chris up after going to bed and asked him to pray over me again (even though we had just prayed together an hour earlier!).

Tuesday, October 11th: The spotting lasted through the weekend but hadn't been as bad for the last day or so but we went to the appointment anyways. Dr Pakk did another ultrasound and things looked the same as they did a week earlier with maybe little progress. Again, everything still looked healthy. We were already scheduled to come in on Thursday 10/20 for another check up so we just stuck with that plan. While this appointment was somewhat uneventful... I was still hoping we would have seen more on the ultrasound.

Friday, October 14th: It was Midnight Madness at CBU that night. This is a big event for Chris at work. The plan was for Logan and I to go to small group that evening and then head to CBU late that night for the event. Right before we left for small group, I started spotting again. Could this just be from the exam I had earlier in the week like last time? This time was different in that now I had cramps! The tears came almost immediately. Should I call Chris? He is crazy busy and this is the last thing he wants to hear right now. I remembered the nurse saying a week ago that if it was a miscarriage there is nothing anyone can do. This includes my husband right? I didn't want to stress him out but I knew he would be upset with me if I didn't call him. So I did. He offered to drop everything and leave but I didn't see that this would help and I wanted to just keep life feeling somewhat normal. He prayed with me over the phone and I was at least able to catch my breath finally. There is such power in prayer! I managed to enjoy myself at Midnight Madness but the what if thoughts were not too far in the back of my mind.

Saturday, October 15th: This was a day full of flag football at CBU. Again Chris offered to stay home with me but I encouraged him to go and planned for Logan and I to spend most of the day there also. This is the day we coined our phrase "DEAL but don't DWELL!"Obviously with a miscarriage lurking around us there is plenty for us to need to deal with but maintaining the normalcy of life kept me from dwelling on it. The last thing I wanted was my emotional roller coaster to turn into more downs than ups! And let's be honest... at this point nothing is even officially wrong! At what point do I allow myself to fully contemplate the possibilities. Am I being pessimistic to think that this is not headed in the ideal direction? Am I lacking faith or hope? Am I being self centered or dramatic? These are all the things that are going through my head as I try and figure out what to let myself think or feel. By evening my spotting turned to bleeding... not heavy but more than spotting. Just after putting Logan to bed it got worse. So I decided to go to Urgent Care. Since Logan was sleeping I said I would go alone. Bad idea. I called Chris about 10 minutes after I had gotten there and told him I needed him to come meet me. Chris loaded up Logan and dropped him off with some friends and met me as fast as he could. I had already been seen by the Urgent Care doctor and was just waiting for the OB doctor on duty to come when Chris got there. We did another ultrasound. Dr Jebelli said that the ultrasound still shows pregnancy but it doesn't look good... with about 80% certainty this was a miscarriage. He was almost positive but he said that he has been proved wrong before and that only time would tell. The only thing he could say at this point with 100% certainty was that it was not a normal pregnancy. WOW. At this point my hope of a full term healthy baby is quickly vanishing. I don't know if I am wanting the 80% or the 20% more at this point... both options aren't looking great. The only option I have is to trust in the Lord. He knows the number of days our baby will have and what those days will hold. God is good... ALL THE TIME... even in times of the 80 versus 20.
Dr Jebelli answered a lot of our questions and concerns. He said that while I probably feel as far from normal right now as possible, miscarriages are normal. Before you hear the babies heartbeat the statistics are something like 50% of pregnancies result in a miscarriage. As soon as you hear the heartbeat that statistic goes to about 4% of pregnancies resulting in a miscarriage. Online the statistics show that overall 10-25% of pregnancies will result in a miscarriage. WOW. He got choked up and even shared that years ago he and his wife had 2 miscarriages and a stillbirth. They now have 2 healthy preteens! He assured me that there was nothing I did or didn't do that caused this or could have prevented this. The only encouragement was that having one miscarriage doesn't make you any more or less likely to have another.
Again at this point the plan is to keep with our scheduled appointment on Thursday 10/20 and see what happens. Again... at what point do I let myself grieve and trust God will help us through a miscarriage? We had to choose to trust God even through the uncertainty.

Thursday, October 20th: We went in for our scheduled appointment and had yet another exam and ultrasound. It's weird to think that just 2 weeks earlier I was so thrilled to get to have an ultrasound and today I couldn't be feeling anymore the opposite. I was anxious. I couldn't look at the screen. I still didn't know if I was hoping they would finally confirm a miscarriage or if we would actually see that little bean of a baby and hear a heartbeat. I was just overwhelmed. After what seemed like forever, Dr Pakk confirmed that in his opinion he believes this is officially a miscarriage. Dr Jebelli happened to be working that day also so Dr Pakk asked if he could come and look at the ultrasound also just to get a second opinion. I appreciated this just because it made the steps of deciding what to do next easier. Dr Jebelli who 5 days earlier could only say with 80% certainty came in and almost immediately confirmed 100% pregnancy loss. The overwhelming ache of loss hit right away... the last two weeks didn't make us any more prepared for the news. I felt relieved only to have an answer and no longer be stuck in limbo... but the answer still hurt!
Now came the time to decide what to do. A DNC is a very common outpatient procedure but it is still invasive. Unfortunately the surgery schedule was full and since my procedure was not considered an emergency I couldn't get on the schedule until the middle of the following week. Our other option was to take medicine that would cause for a couple days of heavy bleeding but has a 95% success rate. We decided to get things moving so this all could be over and I could get back to work as soon as possible. I chose to do the medicine.

Friday, October 21st - Sunday, October 23rd: We spent the weekend in San Diego and I took the medication. It was an awful experience... one of the worst of my life. It was painful, messy, overwhelming and humbling. I was sad and disappointed that we weren't going to get to meet our baby here on earth but I was surprisingly not angry. I was choosing to claim God's promises and celebrate that our baby was in Heaven and we would get to meet someday. Going through the weekend though I found myself feeling angry. Not at what had happened but at how it happened. It was a long drawn out process and October was just a hard month but then to add the physical side of having a miscarriage and it just felt cruel. I know that in this too there was so much learning happening but I sure wish it could have happened another way.

Monday, October 24th: My best friend had a baby! While some think this is ironic timing I didn't seem to mind. The hardest thing for me was that I was so physical fatigued and weak from the weekend of meds that I couldn't make it to the hospital for Jude's birth. We did make it later in the day for a visit. It was such a sweet moment for me to hold him and see how perfect he was and just celebrate his life. I think all too often we take the birth of a baby to just be a special milestone in life and not for the miracle it really is. We are convinced that a man and a woman get together and bada bing 9-10 months later a perfect and healthy baby arrives. It doesn't always work out that way so we need to appreciate so much more when it does. I know I have done an extra amount of kissing and loving on Logan over the last couple of months for this very reason!!!

Tuesday, October 25th: I was still bleeding but it was finally manageable... it was finally just like the first day of a really bad period only it lasted more than a day!! I had a follow up appointment with Dr Pakk to check that the medication did what it was supposed to. With the events of the weekend I was going to be shocked if the meds didn't work. Still I was instructed not to eat or drink in case I have to have the surgery. I was glad to finally have my last exam and ultrasound finally start to work towards healing. Unfortunately, the ultrasound showed that only about 50% of the tissue had passed so we needed to continue. The surgery schedule was full again =/ so I had to do another round of meds. I did bloodwork to check my pregnancy levels and they were still high (almost 5,000 when they should be less than 5). This just confirmed that the process was not finished yet.

Wednesday, October 26th: Spent the day on lockdown at home for the second round of meds. It was not nearly as bad as the first round but it was still uncomfortable.

Thursday, October 27th: Another follow up appointment with Dr Pakk. Which again means not eating or drinking in case we have to do the procedure. The exam and ultrasound showed that most of the tissue was gone but not quite all of it. The plan was to just let my body continue to work through the process and we would double check that all is clear in 2 weeks. I was thankful for the progress that we made but I was still hoping for everything to be officially over today and for October to just come to an end. At least we are still moving in the right direction.

Friday, October 28th - Sunday October 30th: Chris planned a little getaway for just the two of us so that we could get some quality time together. Things had been hard on Chris too... I wasn't the only one who was grieving the loss of a child. And as a husband he felt so helpless at times knowing that there wasn't much he could do to "fix" what was happening. Men like to fix things! This was a great weekend for both of us!!! Time to talk and pray through lots of thoughts, questions and emotions. Time to relax. Time to rest. Time to not think about anything. Time to have fun and laugh together. It was just what we needed!!

Over the next couple of weeks normalcy was the goal. Hard to do when the physical symptoms just continued to linger.

Wednesday, November 9th: I did good emotionally for a little over a week and suddenly I was back to being an emotional wreck. I went in for another check up on this day. I had done bloodwork again the day before and while my pregnancy level had dropped to almost 700 it still wasn't down to less than 5. Dr Pakk said that I would probably be still experiencing emotions from hormones on top of the emotions that would naturally go with a miscarriage. That explained exactly where I was at and confirmed that despite all the emotions, I am not crazy! The ultrasound continued to show less and less tissue. Dr Pakk asked me to do weekly bloodwork to monitor until my pregnancy levels had dropped completely. If they don't continue to drop then there would still be the need to have a procedure. I know the Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle but I was feeling pretty tapped out after the last month and I just asked God again to make it all go away. I couldn't even fathom the idea of going through all of this only to still have a procedure in the end!

Monday, November 28th: I FINALLY stopped bleeding!

Wednesday, November 30th: My bloodwork FINALLY is less than 5!!! I felt so much relief to be back to normal and for it all to be over. That's just physically though... the journey is so much bigger than just the physical pain and healing. I thought to myself, does this mean that it can't hurt any more? Since the physical symptoms are over should I be completely ok with it all now? The answer... this will always be a  part of me. It will get easier with time but it is not going to just go away.

How am I doing now? Right now I am good. But tomorrow might be different or an hour from now depending on the circumstances. As life has continued to move on random things will happen and I find myself caught of guard by the reminder of the events of the last few months. It is almost like "Oh yeah... that really happened!" Not just a dream or a book I read but something we really experienced. You never really think it will happen to you. But I find myself so grateful for what the Lord has brought our family through and that He is continuing to use this experience to teach us and heal us... to mold us into His likeness.
Christmas was hard. I would have been 20 weeks on Christmas Eve. I had already pictured in my head roughly how big I would have been in our family Christmas picture... not on purpose but I did none the less. With Logan we found out he was a boy at 13 weeks!! Again not on purpose but we did. So I thought by Christmas there was a chance of knowing if were we having a boy or a girl. Maybe contemplating names. Opening Christmas presents for our precious little bundle. I loved my Christmas with the family God has blessed me with it just was different than I thought it would be. I found comfort as we celebrated Jesus' birthday that our baby was actually getting to go the birthday party in heaven and celebrate with Jesus!!!! We will all party together someday!!!

Our prayer when we first found out that we were pregnant was that we would honor God as we raised this child and that He would be glorified in this child's life. I still pray those prayers... they just mean something different to me now. Part of godly parenting is recognizing that your child is not your own but belongs to the Lord. I know that God has so much to teach us through the small glimpse of our child's life... We're still figuring it out but we know that God is glorified. May our hearts not be hardened by the fact that life is hard but continue to remain soft and strong through the grace of God!